Has it really been that long since I was full swing eating disorder? It’s crazy that I had to look at my Facebook albums to even figure out what year this was it was so long ago. I wanted to do a check-in because I know healthy food and exercise obsession is something that a lot of us struggle with. It’s part of my wellness story anyway, and through the ups and down has helped me learn a lot about myself.
Davida and I have spent some much needed R&R together the past few weeks talking about everything from business, to friendship, to wellness, to podcasts. She has really inspired me to finally sit down and just write. I’m so hard on myself when it comes to writing because I have people like her and my sister in my life where writing just seems so easy and seamless. While I always tell people I suck at writing; Davida has reminded me that “no Lee…you don’t suck at it, you just need to sit down and do it.” So here we go.
PS: I cut my hair ^^
If you are unfamiliar with my story…click HERE. That should help you understand things I’m referring to inside of this post!
So. It’s been a full 6 years since I was in the heat of my anorexia and exercise addiction. And then came the binge eating. Funny how it gets easier to say those words as time goes on. I get a lot of questions about my recovery and I want to start off by saying that it DEFINITELY didn’t happen over night. I mean, I was in denial that I was even suffering from any sort of eating disorder until one year into my recovery. A lot of people think that recovery is as easy as eating a damn cheeseburger, but it’s so more more than that. Eating disorders are a form of MENTAL ILLNESS. Mine was triggered by severe depression and anxiety. Like a lot of ED stories you may read, food and exercise were two variables that I had 100% control over. If calories in were less than calories out- I could see the scale drop. Well, letting the scale drop from 155 (what I am now, actually!) to 118 in 3 months is HELLA unhealthy. I have an obsessive personality so if I was going to recover I needed to focus that energy on something else. HELLO FIT FOODIE FINDS.
I give a lot of credit to this blog for helping to center my mind on what really is important in my life. It’s not about looking a certain way or doing the things that everyone else is doing, it’s living every day with purpose and lifting up those around me through positivity (and HUMOR). Woah, humor is a big one. If you ain’t laughin’, we got an issue people. I bring up humor because this is something that I really lost about myself during this dark time. I was so rigid and stark and boring. I am so happy to be back to my “normal” quirky/weird self because something that I truly believe is- “if you’re not weird, you’re boring.”
I still have those moments where I hate the squishies on stomach and I think back to the time when I had a 6 pack and then I image getting slapped in the face with a raw piece of meat….because LIFE IS GOOD. I am proud of my body and what it does for me on a daily basis. I am proud that I can do an 8 mile hike up a Norwegian mountain and feel strong. I am proud that I can hold a plank for 2 minutes. I am proud that I can run a 5k without stopping. I am proud that I have to go up a size in pants because I have giant quads. I am also proud that I have surrounded myself with people in my life who are equally as proud of me for those things as I am.
Having an amazing tribe of people in my life has been key to my everyday happiness. Mark has been a wonderful addition to this tribe within the last year. Whether he knows it or not…he’s a body positive guy and makes me feel beautiful. Plus- he knew me when I was 17 and awkward. It’s the people like Mark, and Linley, and Emily, and Davida, and Lindsey, and Monique and my sister/brother/fam bam that reinsure me on a daily basis that I am not alone in this world of perfection. That it’s okay for me to eat a donut and it’s okay for me to have not one, but two or three rest days a week. WOAH. The cool thing is, I am finally okay with this, too.
I am in a good place right now even though the past year has been really tough for my health. Hello broken foot and worse than average seasonal depression (something I haven’t really touched on). Oh, and I also had a major breakup last May, which was really difficult on my mental health. All of THAT aside…I am happy. As dumb as this sounds- I love my life. I love it because I CHOSE to build it this way.
My message to those that suffer with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, or any form of mental illness is that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are exactly how you are suppose to be at this very moment.