6 Years Later
Published 11/15/2016 • Updated 12/30/2021
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Has it really been that long since I was full swing eating disorder? It’s crazy that I had to look at my Facebook albums to even figure out what year this was it was so long ago. I wanted to do a check-in because I know healthy food and exercise obsession is something that a lot of us struggle with. It’s part of my wellness story anyway, and through the ups and down has helped me learn a lot about myself.
Davida and I have spent some much needed R&R together the past few weeks talking about everything from business, to friendship, to wellness, to podcasts. She has really inspired me to finally sit down and just write. I’m so hard on myself when it comes to writing because I have people like her and my sister in my life where writing just seems so easy and seamless. While I always tell people I suck at writing; Davida has reminded me that “no Lee…you don’t suck at it, you just need to sit down and do it.” So here we go.
PS: I cut my hair ^^
If you are unfamiliar with my story…click HERE. That should help you understand things I’m referring to inside of this post!
So. It’s been a full 6 years since I was in the heat of my anorexia and exercise addiction. And then came the binge eating. Funny how it gets easier to say those words as time goes on. I get a lot of questions about my recovery and I want to start off by saying that it DEFINITELY didn’t happen over night. I mean, I was in denial that I was even suffering from any sort of eating disorder until one year into my recovery. A lot of people think that recovery is as easy as eating a damn cheeseburger, but it’s so more more than that. Eating disorders are a form of MENTAL ILLNESS. Mine was triggered by severe depression and anxiety. Like a lot of ED stories you may read, food and exercise were two variables that I had 100% control over. If calories in were less than calories out- I could see the scale drop. Well, letting the scale drop from 155 (what I am now, actually!) to 118 in 3 months is HELLA unhealthy. I have an obsessive personality so if I was going to recover I needed to focus that energy on something else. HELLO FIT FOODIE FINDS.
I give a lot of credit to this blog for helping to center my mind on what really is important in my life. It’s not about looking a certain way or doing the things that everyone else is doing, it’s living every day with purpose and lifting up those around me through positivity (and HUMOR). Woah, humor is a big one. If you ain’t laughin’, we got an issue people. I bring up humor because this is something that I really lost about myself during this dark time. I was so rigid and stark and boring. I am so happy to be back to my “normal” quirky/weird self because something that I truly believe is- “if you’re not weird, you’re boring.”
TODAY
I still have those moments where I hate the squishies on stomach and I think back to the time when I had a 6 pack and then I image getting slapped in the face with a raw piece of meat….because LIFE IS GOOD. I am proud of my body and what it does for me on a daily basis. I am proud that I can do an 8 mile hike up a Norwegian mountain and feel strong. I am proud that I can hold a plank for 2 minutes. I am proud that I can run a 5k without stopping. I am proud that I have to go up a size in pants because I have giant quads. I am also proud that I have surrounded myself with people in my life who are equally as proud of me for those things as I am.
Having an amazing tribe of people in my life has been key to my everyday happiness. Mark has been a wonderful addition to this tribe within the last year. Whether he knows it or not…he’s a body positive guy and makes me feel beautiful. Plus- he knew me when I was 17 and awkward. It’s the people like Mark, and Linley, and Emily, and Davida, and Lindsey, and Monique and my sister/brother/fam bam that reinsure me on a daily basis that I am not alone in this world of perfection. That it’s okay for me to eat a donut and it’s okay for me to have not one, but two or three rest days a week. WOAH. The cool thing is, I am finally okay with this, too.
I am in a good place right now even though the past year has been really tough for my health. Hello broken foot and worse than average seasonal depression (something I haven’t really touched on). Oh, and I also had a major breakup last May, which was really difficult on my mental health. All of THAT aside…I am happy. As dumb as this sounds- I love my life. I love it because I CHOSE to build it this way.
My message to those that suffer with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, or any form of mental illness is that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are exactly how you are suppose to be at this very moment.
This was awesome! Thank you for being vulnerable. I’d LOVE to have you write a post about seasonal depression. It is all too common and so many could relate. Proud of you chickadee!
Vulnerability was one of my “goals” for 2016 🙂
Your story is so similar to mine, it’s crazy! So glad you shared this, your blog has definitely been a source of happiness for me since I’ve been recovering 🙂
Thank you for sharing this with us. So many thoughts swirl around in my own mind about the exercise addiction and disordered eating habits I lived through. This is a time to celebrate YOU and where you are right now — because it is amazing. <3
Love you Lee!! Recovery is SO worth it. <3 You inspire me every single day!
It’s crazy how time flies!! You had one of the first blogs that I followed, looked up to, and connected with! Love the messages and following along especially in this crazy world of media.
I so so sooo sooooo appreciate you reading my blog! <3
Lee,
You did an excellent job writing this blog post girl! Well done you for, first of all, opening up and reflecting on your progress, and secondly for putting pen to paper (or fingers to computer keys lol) and stepping out of your comfort zone and writing. My daughter is 22 and is a recovering drug addict/alcoholic and also has an eating disorder 🙁
It’s so hard for me to understand…
She has graduated from her 12 week extended care recovery program and is now living in a sober house with other females and attending intensive outpatient therapy that also includes an eating disorder component. She’s a very picky eater and doesn’t understand how meals should be set up. She’s overweight at the moment, and while I think she’s absolutely beautiful, I know that being 5’3″ and 180lbs is very unhealthy. She’s already been diagnosed as prediabetic. Do you any advice on anything she can read to get an understanding on how to set up meals and ensure she’s eating enough protein? I think 70% of her diet is probably processed carbs. I’ve told her many times how to properly make food choices to provide satiety as well as energy, but I’m just too close to the situation and worry that I might push her away.
Hi Nikki,
I’m glad to hear that your daughter is getting help, including outpatient eating disorder therapy. I am a registered dietitian, and although I do not specialize in eating disorders, I know many RDs who do. I think you are right about potentially pushing her away by discussing her food choices. A professional can help her work through both the mental struggles of an eating disorder as well as how to make healthy food choices. Providing nutrition education for people with eating disorders is a technique that is probably best left to a specialist so that more harm is not done than good. My advice is to make sure she keeps getting help while she needs it.
Hi Nikki! I too am glad that your daughter is on her way up. It was very up and down for me at the beginning of recovery, so I feel like that is normal. The best thing you can do at this point is to just stay positive and support her through this! Like Emily said, having her see a professional is a great idea at this point!
Continue to be you. Your girl squad is the best.. stay positive, healthy, and well. Love reading your journey.
Thanks for sharing this, Lee. I know you are helping a lot of women by being open, honest, and raw about your struggles.
So with you on the “if you’re not weird, you’re boring” bit.
Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing this post. I love when you sit down and write and share your POV on these kinds of things from time to time! I’ve been following your blog from the beginning – though I rarely comment! You’ve been a huge inspiration for me over the years and I love following you on all the social medias now (though I do think your SnapChat is my absolute favorite!) Cheers to you, thank you for being and continuing to be a great inspiration.
Thanks a lot for sharing this and it’s great to hear you well you’re doing! My story is pretty similar although I am still in the midst of recovery – I was in denial for a little longer though… nearly 3 years. I can’t wait for the moment for the guilt to go and get to as good a place as you seem to be in now. Good on you for having the courage to share, and thanks again.