Everyone Has a Story to Tell
Published 8/6/2013 • Updated 6/9/2020
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It’s funny…I’ve had this post written for months, it just hasn’t ever felt right to post it. I had coffee with a yogi friend (Hey Justyn!) this morning and was inspired to inspire. What I mean, is I was inspired to open up about my story…My eating disorder story.
Before I start…here is a previous post leading up to this one that would be a good read to catch you up…The Story: Part 1,
Fitness and Healthy Living have been an important part of my life since I can remember. I grew up in Milwaukee in a healthy household playing competitive sports with an extremely active family. I went to the University of Minnesota for college where I studied a mixture of things: Health/Fitness and Design. I was very involved in my college’s student government and had a lot of friends. While at school, I had a love/hate relationship with my health. Body image has been something I’ve struggled with since high school, and my junior year of college I developed an extremely poor relationship with food and exercise. A family history of depression mixed with the stress of school left me in a terrible state of mind. I began to control exactly what I put in my body and how many calories I expended each day. I was eating anywhere from 1100 – 1300 calories and taking exercise to the extremes (40 minute HIIT workouts, long runs, etc.). For the amount I was working out, I definitely didn’t eat enough. While some people would say 1,300 calories is perfectly normal for a female, I wasn’t eating enough for the amount I was working out and was restricting myself from certain kinds of foods: (healthy) fats and carbs.
What made things so extreme for me was the calorie counting. Once I started that, things went downhill quickly. Why? Because I knew exactly how much food down to the calorie I was consuming each day. High fat foods and carbs became the enemy and fruits/vegetables were a godsend, they were my safe foods. When I say quickly, I mean quickly. I dropped 30 pounds in less than 2 months. I didn’t have 30 pounds to lose. I went from probably a healthy 6/8 to an unhealthy 0 and 150 pounds to 118. (don’t forget, I am 5’8″) I also went from a D cup (which is what I am now) to about an A/B. I had no definition in my face and I was skinny…not fit. Thing is, I thought that looked good.
Looking at the above photos, you may think that I look pretty normal in all 4, but mentally, I was not. I am a muscular person and have been since forever. When I was at my thinnest, I had no muscles in my legs, my upper body was very dainty, and I lost my girl bumps (boobs and butt). That’s just no fun. Relationships dwindled, school was put on the back burner and my happiness level was at about a 1.0 on a 10-scale. All of my energy was put towards how I looked and what other thought of me. I thought that being “skinny” looked good.
Holy zambonie that makes me sound like a huge Debbie Downer! Well let me tell you, I was the most positive depressed person you’d ever meet. I did what it took to overcome my eating disorder by surrounding myself with positive people, blogging, yoga, meditation and regular visits to a therapist. My first step to recovery was realizing that my relationship with food and my body, wasn’t normal or healthy. I knew there was no way I’d be able to live so restricted and things needed to change. I didn’t get better over night, but I began doing things differently such as incorporating workouts that weren’t so vigorous like as yoga and walking, and eating ALL foods in moderation instead of limiting myself to certain ones. I didn’t have the smoothest of recoveries. A little something called binge eating snuck up on me. I could not control my hunger and intuitive eating was an absolute struggle. Remember when I said I had “safe” foods. Well, those foods are the ones I binged on….like an entire 3 pound bag of grapes. No human should consume 3 pounds of grapes at a single sitting…let me warn you…you will feel like complete shit afterwards.
2 years ago, when I set off into recovery, I met Blake. This is when things changed for the good. I so badly wanted to feel normal around food and feel good about myself. I wanted to be able to go out to restaurants and not even think about how many calories I was consuming or what it would take to burn it off. Blake helped me intuitize (yes, I created this word) my eating. Blake is probably the most intuitive eaters I have ever met. He eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. Easier said then done people.
About 3.5 years later- here I am today: happy and healthy. I live for myself and for those that I love. I’m only 23 and I feel like I have gone through so much. Of course I still have those days where I feel like I ate too much or feel blah about how I’m looking. That’s normal. I also still suffer from depression and am working on weening myself off my anti-depressant. Taking a step back, I really do love where I am at and feel so blessed every single day. My family, Blake, and close friends (Linley, Carly, etc) supports my recent career move and I am so excited to be in a place (health-wise and finance-wise) where I can venture into my own happy place each day and call it my job.
Today I couldn’t imagine not eating avocado or Greek yogurt because “there’s just too many calories.” I also couldn’t imagine running 4 miles in 31 minutes (okay, that was pretty bad ass…and I hope to do this again soon!). Today I believe strong is healthy and muscles are sexy.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything that has happened in my life up until this point has made me who I am today. Once I started loving myself for who I am, life started playing in my favor. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way and deserves to be loved by all. So let’s wake up every single day with unconditional love for our bodies and the life that we have created for ourselves.
If you have questions about ANYTHING I am very open about my story and would be happy to answer. Use the comment section below to do so OR email me at fitfoodiefinds(at)gmail(dot)com.
Been a longtime (silent) reader of your blog but so strong of you to share your story! I love finding MN bloggers and have always enjoyed your recipes!
Hehe a silent reader…that’s funny. I would consider myself a silent reader on many blogs 🙂 Thank you for finally commenting! I appreciate it, Natalie!
Wow thanks so much for sharing! You are absolutely gorgeous and glowing in that last photo! Keep it up girl!
Your comment made me smile. Thanks Katy!
Great job Lee, this amazing. I know you will be a powerful inspiration to others! I think it’s really important how you focused on the mental aspect of the disease and how that was the part that was really harmful to you. It’s a struggle in the eating disorder world to get very focused on comparison and the physical. Often times even forgetting that the mental struggle with this disease is really the tortuous part.
I love you so much, friend! I know we have two totally different stories and struggles with EDs, but it all comes from the same place. You shared your story beautifully and with courage and grace. <3
Thank you EMILY! Thanks for all your encouraging words and support! <3
Thanks for sharing! this Story is amazing. Since i moved to saint louis this summer and I’ll be 21 on Monday, life has been a struggle. Being away from home for the summer and friends, being the last one to turn 21 and adjusting to traveling all the time, my weight is not what it used to be. Its been really hard to step on a scale and consistenty see 140 (i’m about 5’5″). I have never seen tha tnumber before this summer. I know I am healthy (although I have a huge sweettooth) but i workout everyday I can and even when I’m traveling I try to eat small portions and healthy options, but it is hard. I’m still trying to figure out what to do to feel completely comfortable in my own skin and I’m not sure how long that will take. I know I don’t need to be under 120 because I have been there too. I hardly ate meals and exercised so much my sophomore year I reached 119 and then I was like WOAH stop. It’s all about balance, and I’m in a hard place in my life right now to find that. About to start my senior year in college and on a strict budget, so eating 100% whole foods isn’t exactly realistic and neither is working out everyday. I’m hoping that eventually I just figure out what makes me happy and no matter what the scale says I will FEEL good and thats what matters.
You have a great attitude going into your senior year. That is exactly when I was struggling. My weight fluctuated SO MUCH. I didn’t talk about this in my post, but starting college I was 132…now I am like 146ish, but MUCH more toned. The number on the scale DOESN’T matter, which is why I don’t weight myself anymore! Keep doing what you are doing, trying to figure your body out. It takes time. Stress can also add a lot to what your body looks like. Just wake up and be happy with who you are! What school do you go to? 🙂 Have a great day Alex!
Lee – were you ever “addicted” to the scale? Do you have advice for breaking up with it, if so?
Way to let it all off your chest. I am so proud and happy for you that you have overcome such obstacles! I think I love you and your blog even more now!
Thanks GIG! Thank you for always commenting and making me laugh slash snort. It means a lot! <3
LOVE. Now, we really do have a lot to talk about.
I knew we were going to be best friends!
I have almost the same story… but I am still struggling. I started overly restricting my calories and working out excessively my freshman year of college and dropped about 20 lbs to an unhealthy 105 lbs at one point (I’m 5′ 6″). I have been to therapy, both group and individual, and have learned to eat more and of course eat healthily, but now I am struggling with binge eating disorder. I just graduated college, so I have been struggling with my weight and eating for over 3 years now… although I’ve learned a lot, I still feel like I’m far away from being happy with myself. It’s nice to hear I am not alone. Do you have any advice for overcoming the binging? Thanks so much for sharing.
Hi Lacey! I just wrote an entire 2 paragraph response and then I lost it all. Dang internet! I didn’t talk about this in my post, but I also tried group therapy. Major fail! It definitely wasn’t for me 🙂 As for binge eating, you just have to take it day by day. As you know, you don’t just recover over night, so don’t get down on yourself if you have one bad day. Just wake up the next with a clean slate. For me, it’s about really asking myself if I’m hungry. What am I craving? I used to be on this really strict regime of when and exactly how much I ate. Now, if I am craving cereal, I just eat the cereal instead of dinner + the cereal (because I know I’m going to have it anyways). I think that was the biggest thing for my recovery was feeding my body what it was craving! If you ever need to chat, you have my email!
A step that was scary and required a leap of faith, but was most beneficial in overcoming binge eating for me was telling myself, “You are allowed to eat whatever you want” It took a LONG time to actually believe this, and I still struggle, but I am worlds away from where I once was. After much trial and error I realized that I was restricting even when I tried to convince myself I wasn’t and that would set me up for a binge. You have to look in the long term and think, do I want to get healthy and get over this? or do I want to stay committed to this cycle? That is when I truly let myself eat what I was craving because I could not take it anymore, the eating disorder took away every ounce of energy I had. You WILL learn to trust your body, it just takes time.
With that, you need to realize that living a healthy lifestyle is not about being thin. I have read that so many times, but it means so much more when you make the realization for yourself. It is about balance, happiness, the relationship you have with yourself and others, and aiming to be your best everyday, while loving and accepting yourself through all of it. You have to try your hardest to to realize that food, body size, and the choices you make around either will not make you any less worthy.
Sorry that was long…good luck and remember there are so many people on your side willing to help! xx
I have also struggled with binge-eating and restricting my calories. You should check out the book, Shrink Yourself! It really talks about the process and is full of tons of strategies to help you on your journey to overcoming binge eating. I have been dealing with it for over three years, and it is still a struggle…but it does get better.
Hi friend! While I knew a little bit about this from when we talked about it in Chicago, it was good to read more about your experiences. I think you’re one of the strongest people I know and I’m so happy that things are so wonderful for you now — you deserve ALL of it, and more! Thanks for sharing your story with us!
Well thanks Hyedi 🙂 I really really really appreciate the support!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Lee! I bet that was really hard of you to talk about so I really appreciate it:) I can totally relate to the strict calorie counting and making body image and the number of calories the most important thing in my life. I have so many notebooks just full of numbers and calculations…it was the end of the world to go over 1200 in a day. I found it very frustrating too as I was being so strict and working out but nothing was happening to my body. I have PCOS and losing weight is near on impossible for me, and add in knee injuries from over-training, I was not happy at all. But like you I found something to help me through it and while mine is a little different to yours (HELP ME FIND A BLAKE;)), Paleo and the paleo community has done amazing things to my mind set. Eating fat and meat is healthy?! If you had said that to me in my first year of university when I was living off sugar-free jello and weight watchers meals I would have laughed in your face!
Though I am still the same weight that I was 3 years ago (150ish and 5ft 3) I am more toned, more healthy and happier:)
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story!
I forgot to add that in my post! Today I am around 145…and WAY more toned than 4 years ago. See- muscle is SEXY! I’m so happy that you can relate. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one out there who has gone through something like this! Right back at you for sharing your story!