Everyone Has a Story to Tell
Published 8/6/2013 • Updated 6/9/2020
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It’s funny…I’ve had this post written for months, it just hasn’t ever felt right to post it. I had coffee with a yogi friend (Hey Justyn!) this morning and was inspired to inspire. What I mean, is I was inspired to open up about my story…My eating disorder story.
Before I start…here is a previous post leading up to this one that would be a good read to catch you up…The Story: Part 1,
Fitness and Healthy Living have been an important part of my life since I can remember. I grew up in Milwaukee in a healthy household playing competitive sports with an extremely active family. I went to the University of Minnesota for college where I studied a mixture of things: Health/Fitness and Design. I was very involved in my college’s student government and had a lot of friends. While at school, I had a love/hate relationship with my health. Body image has been something I’ve struggled with since high school, and my junior year of college I developed an extremely poor relationship with food and exercise. A family history of depression mixed with the stress of school left me in a terrible state of mind. I began to control exactly what I put in my body and how many calories I expended each day. I was eating anywhere from 1100 – 1300 calories and taking exercise to the extremes (40 minute HIIT workouts, long runs, etc.). For the amount I was working out, I definitely didn’t eat enough. While some people would say 1,300 calories is perfectly normal for a female, I wasn’t eating enough for the amount I was working out and was restricting myself from certain kinds of foods: (healthy) fats and carbs.
What made things so extreme for me was the calorie counting. Once I started that, things went downhill quickly. Why? Because I knew exactly how much food down to the calorie I was consuming each day. High fat foods and carbs became the enemy and fruits/vegetables were a godsend, they were my safe foods. When I say quickly, I mean quickly. I dropped 30 pounds in less than 2 months. I didn’t have 30 pounds to lose. I went from probably a healthy 6/8 to an unhealthy 0 and 150 pounds to 118. (don’t forget, I am 5’8″) I also went from a D cup (which is what I am now) to about an A/B. I had no definition in my face and I was skinny…not fit. Thing is, I thought that looked good.
Looking at the above photos, you may think that I look pretty normal in all 4, but mentally, I was not. I am a muscular person and have been since forever. When I was at my thinnest, I had no muscles in my legs, my upper body was very dainty, and I lost my girl bumps (boobs and butt). That’s just no fun. Relationships dwindled, school was put on the back burner and my happiness level was at about a 1.0 on a 10-scale. All of my energy was put towards how I looked and what other thought of me. I thought that being “skinny” looked good.
Holy zambonie that makes me sound like a huge Debbie Downer! Well let me tell you, I was the most positive depressed person you’d ever meet. I did what it took to overcome my eating disorder by surrounding myself with positive people, blogging, yoga, meditation and regular visits to a therapist. My first step to recovery was realizing that my relationship with food and my body, wasn’t normal or healthy. I knew there was no way I’d be able to live so restricted and things needed to change. I didn’t get better over night, but I began doing things differently such as incorporating workouts that weren’t so vigorous like as yoga and walking, and eating ALL foods in moderation instead of limiting myself to certain ones. I didn’t have the smoothest of recoveries. A little something called binge eating snuck up on me. I could not control my hunger and intuitive eating was an absolute struggle. Remember when I said I had “safe” foods. Well, those foods are the ones I binged on….like an entire 3 pound bag of grapes. No human should consume 3 pounds of grapes at a single sitting…let me warn you…you will feel like complete shit afterwards.
2 years ago, when I set off into recovery, I met Blake. This is when things changed for the good. I so badly wanted to feel normal around food and feel good about myself. I wanted to be able to go out to restaurants and not even think about how many calories I was consuming or what it would take to burn it off. Blake helped me intuitize (yes, I created this word) my eating. Blake is probably the most intuitive eaters I have ever met. He eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. Easier said then done people.
About 3.5 years later- here I am today: happy and healthy. I live for myself and for those that I love. I’m only 23 and I feel like I have gone through so much. Of course I still have those days where I feel like I ate too much or feel blah about how I’m looking. That’s normal. I also still suffer from depression and am working on weening myself off my anti-depressant. Taking a step back, I really do love where I am at and feel so blessed every single day. My family, Blake, and close friends (Linley, Carly, etc) supports my recent career move and I am so excited to be in a place (health-wise and finance-wise) where I can venture into my own happy place each day and call it my job.
Today I couldn’t imagine not eating avocado or Greek yogurt because “there’s just too many calories.” I also couldn’t imagine running 4 miles in 31 minutes (okay, that was pretty bad ass…and I hope to do this again soon!). Today I believe strong is healthy and muscles are sexy.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything that has happened in my life up until this point has made me who I am today. Once I started loving myself for who I am, life started playing in my favor. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way and deserves to be loved by all. So let’s wake up every single day with unconditional love for our bodies and the life that we have created for ourselves.
If you have questions about ANYTHING I am very open about my story and would be happy to answer. Use the comment section below to do so OR email me at fitfoodiefinds(at)gmail(dot)com.
Thanks so much for sharing your story Lee! I think its amazing that you’ve overcome this obstacle in your life and have been able to more forward. You are inspiration to all women out there who struggle with such a disorder. I think your philosophy on body image and health is SO true, and I admire your courage.
Your story is so inspirational! I think a lot of people, definitely including myself, can relate, and some of (not all of) the fitness culture contributes to the problem- like how some magazines claim that 1000 calories per day is enough and stuff like that. I love your philosophy on body image and health! Also the ice cream photo is super cute. 🙂
I wish you could talk to so many of my girls! As a therapist, I see so many girls who struggle with these issues. I love that you took not always easy steps to manage your depression (meds and therapy). The fact that you can so confidently speak out about these issues says so much about your character! I love your blog and can’t wait to use your exercise tips, recipes, etc to get my pre- baby body back!
Hey!! I’ve read your blog quite often in the past & never replied…but this post was inspired. So often I feel people categorize/medicalize anorexia and other EDs without appreciating the variety of experience and the way these things continue to shape our lives. My story is remarkably similar to yours (entered college in freshman year at 118lbs, gained the “freshman fifteen” at 127lbs by that January, and 5’8″; by that summer I was a mere 100 and at my lowest the following year at 91lbs – completely emaciated of course!). Problem is (a) people DO say, rightly or wrongly, that a caloric intake less than 1500 is legit for women (and sadly magazines frequently perpetuate such claims without specifying this may be for a woman w slow metabolism / a sedentary lifestyle, not to mention that each individual is unique) and its so easy to fall into the “healthy trap” by rationalizing your food & exercise decisions as simply living up to healthy living standards that are constantly in circulation around us. I guess what I want to say is I COMPLETELY agree with a focus in good foods (fats, carbs, protein) and a lifestyle that includes strength training: strong IS sexy and muscle weight is totally flattering! You are an amazing person to have pulled through it all with such a vibrant outlook. I’m also 23 and on the one hand, I recognise my disease was a huge strain and source of anxiety for my parents and other people who cared for me (including friends who simply didn’t understand my behaviors). On the other hand, I feel that at a very young age I have journeyed through so many formative moments that I have a remarkably clear picture of who I am and what I want in life — and how I want to lead that life, food and exercise included. So while I could never say I am “thankful” for having had my version of anorexia (that would be far too twisted), I do feel as though it has given me some perspective and benefits that some of our peers don’t have. It’s beautiful to see what appkications your experience has led you to — as I said at the start, inspiring!
PS also had issues w binge eating (as you said, one day at a time) and still working on that “intuitive eating” bit – so jealous of my brother and friends who so inherently know when to eat and when to stop!
PPS I also have breakfast for dinner once a week 🙂 You gotta feed the body what it craves!
First: 1300 calories are not enough for any woman to live on, even if she doesn’t exercise and second: now you do look more beautiful than ever. Happiness makes such a difference. Thank you for this amazing post and sharing your story with us – this is the first post I’ve read of yours and now I have the feeling I cannot get enough of it ;). I will make sure to come back for more!
I second what Lee is saying about putting the focus on being fit (not skinny and NOT weighing yourself). The case with me, I went from 127 to just about 138 and was stressing out about not losing the weight. Then, I joined the gym and just kept on working out and got into a once-a-week weight training class. It’s been about three months and my weight hasn’t changed but I did start to feel like I looked better. Went through my closet the other night and tried on all the jeans I didn’t fit into a couple months ago and even though I’m still the same 138, I’m more toned and yup, my old clothes fit!
Also, I’m a die-hard foodie. Salads with a bit of protein and a tablespoon of olive oil for dinner most weeknights but on the weekend, I don’t deprive myself of that burger or gelato (within reason). So… hit the weights, dance, have fun and I say, use the old measuring tape rather than a scale if you want to put the focus on trimming down.
Omg! I just read this and would have never guessed that you were depressed lady! You always seemed happy and invovled! Glad to see you are happy and healthy now! Hope all is well with you!
Depression is weird. You can be the happiest person one day and so sad (for no reason) the next! No more depression, I kicked that thing in the face!
Thank you for sharing your story Lee!!… our middle school and high school lives sound very similar! I legit had a out of a movie bully in middle school, and I still feel like being picked on in my younger days effects my confidence in myself today inside and out. I have the natural instinct to think someone doesn’t like me rather then the instinct to think someone does. So this helped me realize I am not alone with insecurities. I haven’t been reading your blog for very long but you are seriously one of my “have to read everyday favorites” now because I feel like you come off as so real… so Keep up the good work! 🙂
AWw you are so sweet 🙂 Middle School and High School was rough. I’m sort of glad it happened though, because it made me who I am today. I wouldn’t go back though, if you paid me 🙂 Hehe.
Touche! 🙂
What a great story and you look awesome! I know it takes courage to share this kind of stuff, but know there are so many women out there that need to hear it.
Thanks Kelsey!!
Thank you for sharing this. I have trouble eating enough every day, and this really helped 🙂
Thank YOU for the comment and your support 🙂