An ED Check-In

By Lee Funke

Published 10/27/2017 • Updated 12/30/2021

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Life get’s better.

Your thoughts get less consumed by food, exercise, and body image.

Your days get happier.

Life gets better.

Your time gets more intentional.

You start feeling more like you.

Did I mention life gets better?

NOTE–I want to preface here that I am speaking from MY experience. I know there are a lot of eating disorders out there, but this is my story. You can read more about my store here and here. And more about my recovery here and here. 

I felt like I needed to pop in and chat ED because it’s that time of year. That time of year when food becomes the center of our lives. That time of year that used to make me want to crawl into my bed and not leave my room until it was over. For most people, the holidays are about family and celebration, but during the time I suffered from my eating disorder, it was the worst time of year. I remember Christmas back in 2010, allowing myself an extra 100 calories that day to make my total a whopping 1300. I would meticulously count every morsel that went into my body and that extra 100 calories allowed me to eat a half a cookie. Then, after I ate it, came the shame. I think the shame I felt about food and exercise was the worst part because it consumed me. It’s all I thought about hour after hour, minute after minute.

I finally watched To the Bone on Netflix and while I don’t think it was the BEST movie to portray the true essence of an eating disorder, I think it did a great job personifying the difference between someone with an eating disorder and someone without one. You see, someone with an eating disorder is not choosing to constantly obsess over what they ate, what they are going to eat next, and how they are going to burn it off. It’s a mental illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain. Those who have never had an eating disorder don’t fully understand the crawling feeling of what it feels like to be owned by your thoughts. You’re in control, but completely out of control at the same time. And no, you can’t just eat the cookie and be done with it. It’s not that easy.

Life After an Eating Disorder

As time goes on and my mindset gets healthier and more intuitive, life gets so much better. Life has always been good, but being able to fully experience life in the present is wonderful. I was just chatting with Davida this week about this and as crazy as this sounds, sometimes it’s hard for me to even remember that time in my life. It’s almost like somehow my mind is blocking that negative time out of my thoughts and making it impossible for me to relive. If you would have asked me 6 years ago what life would be like today, there’s no way I would have told you I’d be drinking beer and eating cheese curds and okay with it.

Now that I finally feel more like myself than I ever have, I have been making a lot more time for me lately. I bring up me time because I feel like I was never able to fully give myself what I needed because I was literally ALWAYS thinking about food. Pottery has been a huge stress reliever and all around happy place for me. I love that I can be creative and phone-free for 2 hours a week. I’ve taken pottery since I was a junior in high school and thank goodness it’s like riding a bike because it came right back to me! I’ve also started doing yoga again. I say started and I mean all of 3 times in the last month. There was a while where I was practicing multiple times per week and holy cow am I realizing what it can do for the soul. It really does center me and rope me in a little bit. If you live in Minneapolis you should definitely check out Tarana! Other things I’ve been doing for me include lots of facemasks, going to bed early, and quality time spent with my people.

To circle back to the holidays, I am excited about this time of year. It’s the first time in my life where my thoughts surrounding food are healthy meaning that I am finally able to enjoy food like food should be enjoyed. I am a fit “foodie” after all. Instead of packing my own food and not drinking at holiday parties, I’m excited to eat 2 servings of mashed potatoes and a boatload of cookies and then to bounce right back into my lifestyle the next day like nothing happened. Balance in its true form, people.

Well, that’s all I have for you! Life is good and I hope posts like these can give those who are struggling a little glimmer of light because it does get better.